This week I've received a number of emails from my FB and youtube friends.
They’ve been sweet, uplifting, inquiring and
"frustrated." All of the messages start out complimenting me on my "transformation" and my willingness to share my journey with everyone, and end with asking pretty much the same question: "How have you stuck this out?"
I've answered this question a dozen different ways over the last two years, but the "real" answer only came to me recently. A couple nights ago, a friend commented on a video recipe that I posted on FB and used the term "body governance" to describe my wellness transformation. And suddenly, it clicked! This transformation has worked or stuck or happened because this is the first time, in a VERY long time, that I've felt true GOVERNANCE over my body. Both physically and emotionally.
Over the last two years I've willed myself to take control of my bloated, fat, ashy, randomly scarred body and transformed it into something that I am willing to take full responsibility of. It is not perfect. It is not skinny. It is not flawless. That is not even my intention. But it is MINE!
As a survivor of sexual assault I got the message pretty early in my life that my rapidly developing body was up for grabs and I had little say about who got access to it. Over the years, I turned to food for comfort and as a byproduct of that action I gained over 150 pound. The extra weight took me out of the running as a sexual being, at least in the heterosexual context, and in many ways made my life a lot easier. Now, I know someone is going to say tons of big girls get all kinds of attention, but I didn't move in that beautiful big girl orbit. My silence and shame, about how my body had been mistreated, left me self-conscious about almost every aspect of it. Until 2011 I’d almost lost all hope that I would ever get
my body under
my control. But this morning I did 100 push ups and 100 squats because I thought that would be a good way to pass the time while I waited for the potatoes to boil. Not as random as you think. I needed them for my clients' holiday party:)
This cursory moment of exercise does not speak to who I was over two years ago. This is the same broad, at 338 pounds, who almost needed an industrial crane to get her butt off her own couch, the same one covered in Cheetos dust. But through sweat and tears and some temper tantrums (okay, lots of temper tantrums), I’ve learned to make my body do what I want it to -- at least on most days. I’ve learn to see myself as strong and powerful and off-limits! I get to decide who has access. I get to decide who speaks to me or takes up space. No longer does the “nice girl” have to slip into her well-worn role to keep the peace and by default...surrender something she really doesn't want to give.
This journey has not been easy! I apologize to those who see my big, deceptive smile and think otherwise…lol. There are still days that the couch and the family-size bag of Cheetos send out their siren call and I want to respond. But in the end, this strong, capable and ever-changing body feels like the better bet. I’ve “stuck it out” because this is the way I’ve decided to take full control of what is rightfully mine:)
stay beautiful,
Michelle
